Man, stubborn, elderly parents are tough...

[DawgNatty]

I get it's a blessing having them around in their 80's, but, I sure hope I've learned a lesson on how to make it easier on my kids.  

When people ask how many kids I have, I usually say 6!   2 in their 20's and 4 in their 80's.

[Toasty B]

I'm living it, bronatts

[JC-DAWG83]

My father is 86. He spends over half his time talking about how people are "trying to rip me off!!!". He went in the hospital for some bleeding and was convinced the people in the ER who were asking him about his Medicare were trying to determine how much they could charge him for being in the hospital.

He has been this way for about 10 years now and it is getting very old. I finally had enough of hearing about it yesterday and told him he should leave the hospital if he thought it was such a bad deal.

[DawgNatty]

Yeah, sounds kind of familiar...mine are constantly worried about money things.  They couldn't spend what they have if they tried. 

They live in the house they built 58 yrs ago...it's 45 minutes away and we've been trying to get them to move closer to us for 7 years.  We finally found a perfect house 4 minutes from us on Saturday.   It was literally perfect!!!  They wrote a contract and my wife and I were excited that we'd finally get them near us for Dr. visits and everything.    Sunday morning, they called and said they couldn't do it and to withdraw the contract.   We had told them 100 times, all they had to do was sit and give orders....we would clean and move everything.   They just couldn't fathom it...every excuse in the book.   

They're my parents and I love them unconditionally...but, my wife is ready for them to kick the bucket.  She's done.

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I'm living it, bronatts
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Then you know it sucks

[Shadrach]

At Kennestone now with dad. My dad is chronologically 81, but physically 101. He's a shell of who he once was. Hospice is next. It's sad to watch the physical and mental decline.

[RockmartDawg]

This is definitely a very interesting dynamic... the parents getting to such an elderly state and what they decide to do with it, within their mind and.. more importantly.. within their heart. My parents are also in their 80s and these type issues are rearing their ugly head now and again. I'm learning a LOT through this experience.

I have been doing some reading online, just looking for input, observations, experiences by others, etc. One thing that caught my attention was someone talking about how elderly parents can and sometimes will become VERY self-centered, to a point of knowingly affecting others negatively. One particular story stood out where an elderly parent was presented with the situation that their adult child would need to cancel their vacation in order to accommodate whatever it was the elderly parent wanted... and the elderly parent chose to have them do just that... cancel their family vacation in order to do something for them, which truly didn't "need" to be done, they just "wanted" it to be done.

I remember in my grandmother's last years she became very selfish and was the consummate complainer/grouch about everything. I remember getting a call from my aunt (this same grandmother's daughter), bringing up planning for getting together with my grandmother for Christmas. This was something the family did every year... go to her house for Christmas. As time had passed and people got older, families grew, new generations came along, etc., planning a day for everyone to go to her house became more and more difficult. We were always able to work out a day, though, at some point, so that everyone would be able to fit it into their very busy plans. Well, this time my aunt is on the phone and I'm like, "Sure, let's work out a day." My aunt... and I can detect a bit of oddity in her voice... as if she knows what she is saying is totally wrong, but she's just passing along what her Mama told her to say. She said something like, "Weeeellll.... Mama said she wants us to come over on Christmas day... like we always have". (We hadn't been to her house on Christmas day in at least decades... if ever). I told my aunt that there was no way we could go over there on Christmas day... not even Christmas Eve. We had kids (plural) who I was not going to have them get up on Christmas day and within about an hour or two have to get up and get ready to start roaming around town (especially just to appease some malcontent). We already had multiple places to go on Christmas Eve. I looked at the calendar and asked why we don't all go over to my grandmother's on the day after Christmas. It was on a weekend. That would free the day up for everybody. That would allow everyone to have a manageable schedule with their own family, their parents, in-laws, etc., and nothing would be an obstacle for us... and it was the day after Christmas... not like it was a week later or something. The whole atmosphere would be so positive, completely relaxing. We'd all really enjoy it. My aunt's countenance brightened up. "Yeah! That's a good idea. Let me talk to Mama." A little while later she called me back, "Waayull... Mama said 'No'. She wants us to have it on Christmas day like we always have." I told her we've NEVER gone to her house on Christmas day, and we wouldn't be able to be there. Ole' sweetheart Grandma wasn't going to budge one inch. Nope. Christmas day. So, we didn't go, and hardly anybody was able to go. I honestly don't remember for sure, but that might have been our last Christmas before she passed away.

[Milldawg]

Certainly isn't easy. Dealing with it with my in-laws. Its very difficult, certainly feel for you

[Dawgalways]

I went through a lot of that in my Mother's last years. She had surgeries that whacked her mind with the anesthesia and pain meds. She had periods of paranoia, including accusing my sister tending to her at the hospital of trying to kill her. In her assisted living place, she thought everyone was stealing from her.

Mostly, she was very sweet until the end, with differing degrees of lucidity, but she did have a number of these unpleasant episodes.

[DawgNatty]

We have similar issues except my parents are the ones that "keep score".  I'm an only child and anytime we spend a holiday with my wife's parents...I hear about it.  Her parents live out of town and I constantly hear, "y'all go and spend several DAYS with them".  I'm like..."yeah, but, we see you literally EVERY week"...and so it goes. 

Your first comments are telling and amazingly true.  I'm just shocked at how often their "thing" seems to take priority.  The funny thing is, most of the time, whatever their "thing" is seems to get worse because, "they didn't want to bother me with it".   Now, it's an emergency.  Oof!!  Can't win.

[Shadrach]

The stealing thoughts are almost ubiquitous.  My dad tells me that every single time I see him. He said it to me yesterday while I was driving him to the hospital.   He's got nothing to steal other than Cokes, protein drinks and bananas.

[LuvsDawgs]

I got married at 30, and first child at 35, so we’re alittle bit older.  I’m 62 now, and my first grandchild is about 15 months old.  At first, when I would calculate how old I would be when she started playing sports, and then in middle and high school, I was sorta depressed.  But the more my wife and I think about it, we know how determined we will be to still get up and watch her at whatever she’s doing, so we actually think of it as a blessing because we’ll be motivated to get off our butts and out of the house!  Hopefully our attitudes will stay up and positive with all that.  So, in other words, our own children may give us more of a negative attitude, but our grandkids will keep us younger!!!

Hopefully.

[RockmartDawg]

We have similar issues except my parents are the ones that "keep score".  I'm an only child and anytime we spend a holiday with my wife's parents...I hear about it.  Her parents live out of town and I constantly hear, "y'all go and spend several DAYS with them".  I'm like..."yeah, but, we see you literally EVERY week"...and so it goes. 

Your first comments are telling and amazingly true.  I'm just shocked at how often their "thing" seems to take priority.  The funny thing is, most of the time, whatever their "thing" is seems to get worse because, "they didn't want to bother me with it".   Now, it's an emergency.  Oof!!  Can't win.
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Yeah. I detect some "keeping score" kind of thing going on, too. But in our case it isn't their family versus the in-laws' family. It is them versus just about anything. "You did this, but..." and it can be almost anything. I'm not at all surprised that my mother is the way she is. She has basically always been that way her entire life (she can be some kinda difficult person sometimes... often). What is a bit sad... i.e. me learning new things... is to see my dad resorting to that same type of behavior. He was always the stalwart of doing what is right, in spite of my mom. He always took the brunt of her venom and just did the best he could to be sure the water was kept bailed out of the boat kind of thing. I know he had to be miserable. But, now, he will sometimes start asking me these prying questions, like he's trying to see what we're doing so they can hold that against us at some point.

I have siblings who all live out of state. If/when they come down they're always staying a couple/few days at least, and usually (not all) will stay there at their house. I will add... my parents live in a house that has 1 bathroom. My wife and I live at the most a half-hour away. One particular time my siblings and their entire families were down visiting. This includes their kids, some who were upper-age teenagers, i.e. young adults. It was probably around Christmas or Thanksgiving, and most of them were staying at my parents' house. It got well on into the evening... probably around 9:00 or so... and I said that we were going to go ahead and head home. My dad goes, "Why don't y'all spend the night?" I'm literally dumbfounded. I politely said something like, "Daddy... there's XYZ people here. Y'all have one bathroom. I live 30 minutes from here. Why would I 'spend the night'? We're going home and we're going to sleep in our own bed." My dad blurts out this very obstinate protest, "Why don't ya'll spend the niiiiiiiight??!!!" He literally said it like a little child would whine about not being able to do something they wanted to do and their parents had told them "No". I can't even remember the last time I had spent the night in their house, and certainly had/have no desire to do so. I just reiterated, "We're going home." It was utterly ridiculous. I don't know if he had some magical picture in his mind about having everybody staying there or something.

[Rogasingingdawg]

Yes, watching Mom suffer with dementia before dying at 83 was tough, but with losing 3 of 4 of mine and Mrs. Roga's parents too early, her Dad at 62, my Dad at 55, & her Mom at 47, I'd love to be dealing with living elderly parents.

[CornersDawg]

Dealing with it with my in-laws. FIL got shingles 2 weeks ago , near his eyes. He’s already a miserable SOB and now he is exponentially an ass. Last 3 times my MIL has called she has been in tears because he is so mean and ugly. Dumbass did not get the vac ice and I know shingles is a painful disease. My wife tried to talk w him last night and it got ugly.

[DawgNatty]

I'm sure! And, I knew that would be at least one comment when I posted it. I realize what a blessing it is having them. But, that doesn't mean they don't make me fairly miserable often. And....they know it.

[ToccoaDog]

Towards the end of his life, my dad became a bit of an ass. Expected things to be done for him to the extent that he would create a mess on purpose because he knew we (me, sister, mom) would clean up after him. I pointed out to him that he wasn’t able to cook, clean, go get food, drive to doctor, wash his own clothes, etc. and that his world would look significantly different if we stopped doing that stuff for him. He softened up a little, but if we needed him to do anything, we sent in our secret weapon: MsToccoaDog, who could get him to do just about anything

[RockmartDawg]

Here's a good one. One of my wife's uncles had a stroke a few years ago. He was recovering from it, but a physical therapist was coming over to help him get up and stay active so he could be up and on his feet again. Fairly soon into it he began refusing to allow them to come. He wanted to just stay in the bed. He has two daughters (both are our age) who were taking care of him. 

Here he is now, a few years later, and he is fully incapable of getting out of the bed and walking, he has withered away so much. He just lays in the bed 24/7 and watches TV. He can't even go to the bathroom. They have to change his adult diapers and clean him up. His two daughters are stuck. They do their best to try to share the load as best as possible. I think they both live there. But they're  both worn to their last thread. They had something come up a short while back where they both needed to be away from the house. They asked one of their adult sons if he would mind staying there with their dad while they were gone. He bluntly refused, saying that he was in that state by choice, having flat-out refused help so that he could have otherwise remained active, and now he's in the shape he is in and he is a massive burden on everybody, and he did it on purpose. No telling how many more years this may continue.

[JC-DAWG83]

When folks die too early it is easy to think you would love to have them around longer no matter what but sometimes dealing with difficult elderly parents or family members can poison your memories of them.  A friend's mother lived into her 90s and in her last few years had dementia that got progressively worse and she became a mean old woman who was very hurtful to everyone.  She was in good physical health until her death but needed help in pretty much every aspect of life so my friend and his wife, who happened to be the only family living in this area, were constantly dealing with her.  She accused his wife of stealing and would tell him how horrible of person he was and how she never liked his wife.  They hired some sitters to come in when they went out of town or simply needed a break and his mother would accuse every one of them of stealing, she had nothing at all to steal in the house.  She became obsessed with money and interrogated him endlessly about her bills (which he paid for her) and she complained about the cost of everything incessantly.  When his children who lived out of town came to visit her she was friendly for a short time and then began telling them how they never came to see her and how much better her other grandchildren treated her, which wasn't true at all she was simply being mean to be mean.  She was never in bad enough physical condition to need a nursing home or assisted living but she needed someone to check on her every day or two and keep up with bills and day to day things around the house.

A couple years after she died, over a few drinks, my friend quietly confessed that for several years before she died he had really wished for her to die because he really hated being around her.  He said he tried to remember how great she had been when she was younger but those last years of torment had made it very difficult to recall the good years.  He also told me the strain of looking after her had come pretty close to ruining his marriage as his wife had grown to truly hate his mother and was about ready to divorce him to get away from her.

Sometimes there are worse things than death.

[McDonoughDawg]

Sorry to hear that, he was a good guy to me always..

[81n95]

Just lost my father-in-law three weeks ago at age 95.  The last couple of years were basically him complaining about everything and everybody.  

He was ready to go home...said it many time in the last year.  Can't really blame him very much. He lost his wife of 70+ years to dementia about 5 years ago, had chronic renal failure for about that long or more, and has been in assisted living for about 9-10 years.